at last
there're no new year resolutions or whatsoever.
i can't be bothered.
it's the first day i'm starting life as a 20 year old babe.
one year left for me to indulge in childish behaviors, be forgiven for my innocence and be irresponsible for my own actions. juvenile. crack lame jokes and make people cry.
7 years down the road. i'll be married to a fortunate guy.
have my own house, own career, own blissful marriage marked by 2 cute children!
yes, i know i dislike kids. they are noisy, irritating and demanding. very expensive too.
but they come with marriage. little bundles of joy.
did i tell you this? i want to have 3 kids! at least 2! no, not 2.5.
on the brighter side, my Dad finally allowed me to take driving lessons.
and i'm encouraged by many, especially my Grandma to embark on the RCIA journey.
rites of Catholic initatiation.
commonly known as, Catecism for adults.
a full fledged self-discovery journey awaits. new interests and joys to be discovered.
i guess NUS life will stay much the same. rushing for lectures, doing tutorials, researching for materials... etc etc. the norms.
but i also wanna invest more time in sports and keeping my body fit and lean.
i don't wanna grow old and suffer from brittle bones, weak muscles, heart diseases, cancer or lung disease.
about relationship with fellow classmate/coursemates... treat me the way you wanna be treated.
be nice to me, and i'll be nice to you. annoy me and you're in my bad books. too bad.
the rain's been going on and off lately... never one day i can go out without getting drenched.
sometimes the rain is heavy, sometimes it's light. but the rain never stops.
the sky is blue, i can see the sun shining, but the rain never stops.
but whatever it is, i know the rainbow's behind the storm.
just wait for a while more =)
i'm very thankful that we're protected from the Tsumani that killed 118 000 people.
many have lost their loved ones, their friends, their home, their livelihood...
my deepest condolences to the victims of the Tsunami. May God heal their pains.
let's give a little this new year. donate to the charities that are sending aid reliefs to the victims.
donate foodstuff and clothes. donate time to the organizations.
give love and you will receive more love.
to my family and friends:
Happy New Year! have a fabulously fun and enriching year ahead! may your days be filled with love, peace and joy! God bless you richly! let the past not hold you back, walk on with pride and courage. i love all of you =)
20th birthday
it's my 20th birthday today.
met Mich and Liang Cai for coffee at Taka.
had a fusion salad. tasted funny. curry vinegarette. seared scallops. cashew nuts.
i'll have a normal green garden salad next time. it may taste boring but very delicious.
rained the whole afternoon while the sun shone brightly. weird weather.
had dinner with Josh and his parents at Jumbo Seafood East Coast.
wow! it was fantastic!
we had chilli crabs with deep fried mantou. fried vege. steamed soon hock cantonese style.
i loved the chilli crab gravy! mantou tasted so good when dipped into that rich gravy!
the crab was firm yet sweet and succulent!
steamed soon hock was very fresh! and steamed till the right tenderness.
i really enjoyed the dinner. thanks darling for the treat!
birthday wish?
quite a few.
to have peace and love reign supreme in my family.
to do better in studies.
to love and understand Joshua better.
simple wishes but difficult to fulfil and maintain =)
wil try to realized them anyway.
return of the Dog
yay! Joshua's finally home! came back yesterday. finally had a good scrub.
terrible it must have been, to spend Christmas eve and Christmas day in the hospital.
*hugs my clean fluffy Doggie!* nevermind, can cut Panetonne already!
i miss him so much! it's been so long since we last cuddled in bed...
feels so sweet and secure to lie beside him and watch tv once again in our little world.
guess what? he lost his little pudgy tummy! he's quite slim now. hope he stays this way.
no more rolly polly Doggie! see? staying in hospital, on a drip is more effective than 1.5 years of Marie France slimming sessions. Ms. E, u should get bitten by an Aedes Mosquito and contract Dengue Fever. stay hospital for a week also cheaper than 10 sessions of Marie France.
either way, you will still pig out after slimming / hospitalize... no visible effects. hahah! i am mean!
Josh didn't do too well for this exams. all i wanna say to Josh is " be more conscientious in your work. stay focused and implemen t effective time management. you're old enough to decide what's for your own good so i won't nag at you. think about it." doesn't help when ur Dad nags at me when you don't do well. it's your responsibility.
school reopens on 10th Jan. exams start late April. very good.
have fun for the last 2 weeks people! i didn't manage to appeal successfully for PGP either...
another bloody semester of long distance travelling. gonna wear me out physically again.
i wanted to go on a short trip. maybe to Vietnam or Thailand...
but i don't think i have the time to do so now.
Dad is going to Shenzhen, and he refuses to bring me along too. sigh.
yes Michele dear, with regards to my article Bend,
the bitching about Mr. Opinionated. when i air my opinions about him... it's also an expression of being opinionated about why people shouldn't comment about others. it all works back to square one. i am doing what he did. haha! but haven't we been taught to express our opinions and voice our happiness/unhappiness? so if voicing our opinions make others unhappy, yet if we keep them to ourselves, we feel unhappy, what should we do? the answer lies in being tactful.
i am not saying that i am tactful either. hahah!
whatever. *returns to mountain cave to meditate on the Ways Of The World*
oh yah, the MENSA clique i often talk about is not the brainy elite high-intelligence group.
but my MENSA is definitely unique and very loved! it's been 4 years people! since 2 Jan '01
AJC Almagest Orientation 1. all be it 3 of us left AJC after 1st 3 mths, we still stuck together as a clique. cheers!
i wanna watch National Treasure, Ocean's Twelve and Meet The Fockers!
but no one is free to accompany me! i feel so abandoned!
Huiling is going to Bangkok on 30th! Benson left for Hong Kong.
Dennis is still in China. and i don't wanna watch movie with Vance...
Don is busy with work. Jared is in NS. Marcus, Isaac, and Gabriel are in NS too, not really that free.
fine. i'll watch movies alone. not that i've never done that before. =)
told you that Veen's a loner.
i wanna play beach volley at Sentosa or do some outdoor sports.
but everytime i am ready to go out, it starts raining. uncanny.
everytime i don't intend to play sports outdoors, it shines like a giant sunflower.
damn the weather.
yay! going Borders today! and gonna do a little shopping with Qiao. happy!
it's the New Year's eve this weekend.
i'm praying hard that Jared won't kana guard duties.
his company assigned to do guard duties at SISPEC.
jus praying that the one balloted is not him.
bend
i find Benny n Alan pretty fun duo to hang out with, but i really hate it when they start judging!
eg. "Mich, u shld be more relaxed, dun be so conscious / cautious".
or... "Veen, do u express better when u write than write? so if tt's the case, is that the true you?" etc etc. too many instances to quote.
hello...!!! what the hell...!!!
maybe it is me... one of my pet peeves is that, i hate people judging!
i enjoy hanging out, drinking, talking abt impersonal topics. but sorry to say, i am blardy touchy when it becomes too personal. it annoys me... (big time!)
i like Michele the way she is! the conscious, reserved person. so what about a few more years of societal interaction? do you mean to say that, after working in the society for the next 7 years, you'll be more unrestricted with yourself? you will act more carefree?
it's abt the characters, personality, family upbringing etc...
so why judge pple and try to mould them into who u think they shld be?
to me, friends accept each other as who they are. immoral acts n despicable behaviors aside. that's unacceptable. but in terms of personality, i don't think we should try changing pple, eh?
look at MENSA, we accepted who each of us are... Choon is so quiet, but is he not relaxed? i don't think so. we appreciate who each other are. the good, the bad; the shy, the flambouyant. coz that's love.
and yes, abt speaking and writing. i speak my mind, but what i say can sound rather incoherent to others. as i write, i can sort out my thoughts n express myself logically. my point is this: whether i choose to speak or write, the content stays the same. it's still unaltered. my message stil is put across in tt blunt way. and that is me.
i am the only person who knows myself best. no one else does. and there's alwiz the alterego tt comes together with the true me. i can be blunt at times, cautious at others, sweet tongued when i need to. it depends on who am i with, where and when. then, which is the real me? all 3 are.
that's also one reason why i didn't consider Benny as one of my choices of a potential-boyfriend. he's so gonna annoy the hell out of me! i find it okay to think abt philosophical qns... think abt the various society, culture n behaviors.... it's fun to analyze n offer different perspectives (with scientific evidence and methodology)... but, i don't tink it is right to judge others or impose your views on others especially on personal matters.
Christmas nite
it's a wonderful nite.
MENSA finally reunited.
finally Pris was free to have dinner with us.
Marcus came back from Perth.
Choon doesn't have guard duties.
Elaine doesn't have to teach tuition.
Michele doesn't have to fingering Tom The Violin.
i am alwiz free so doesn't matter.
it's great to catch up over a dinner feast, chat and tease.
do silly things. take photos. the birthday cake was delicious!
the presents were really pretty! it's been a year!
oh God! time indeed flies without wings...
last year we celebrated at Crystal Jade Taka.
i find myself very fortunate.
i have MENSA to love and support me when i am feeling hurt or down.
to cheer me up, to shower me with concern.
i have the opportunity to love this group of lovely people too!
to make them cry with my lame jokes!
all in all, thanks for everything darlings!
i need the 5 of you!
Qiao, Johnny and Gabriel came.
that's very sweet of them. made that special trip down.
the wine was good. the earrings were cute! the wallet was what i needed!
thanks people! it's been 4 years since JC 1!
oh, and Johnny is a very nice guy! Qiao! right choice yah!
it was a wonderful nite.
i am blessed with such wonderful and sincere friends.
Thank God for his blessings.
whirl-whee
hmmm... everyone around me is getting ill... !!!
Grandma was feeling sick this morning.
constipation, bowel discomforts and nauseous.
so i had to go to the pharmacy to get her medicine and cook lunch.
can't go visit Joshua so early today,
have to stay home and accompany Grandma in case of anything.
Joshua's Mum is watching over him so i don't have to worry too much.
just that he will miss me, not eat more or drink more fluids... urgh.
time is pretty tight today.
have to stay home accompany Grandma, rush to SGH to visit Josh,
rush back home for dinner and attend Mass tonight.
Joshua is not coming home for Christmas. his bloodcount dropped to 63.
not a good sign... they're not gonna discharge him anytime soon!
it's gonna be a few days more... probably another 5 days in there... yucks!
let's pray that he makes it back for my birthday then! next Thursday it is.
i am not worrying too much about him now, but have to accompany him everyday.
although it's tiring to do so, i enjoy doing it.
it makes me feel good when i see him cheer up, eat and crack jokes.
it means that he's getting better. i love him.
thanks to all those friends who have been sending him well wishes,
i will convey your messages to him.
thanks to friends who have been praying for him.
i will do my best and God will take care of the rest.
May Our Lord hear our prayers, His will and not ours be done.
Blessed are His sheeps who come to Him.
i was supposed to attend an extended-family dinner tonight.
annual family tradition.... but the thing is this... this year it's at my grand-aunt's place at 6th Ave...
old grand-aunt ans her skinny sister doesn't like me coz she doesn't like my Mum...
she doesn't like Mummy coz Mummy is Thai. (so what even she's Thai? she's respectable!)
Mummy never offended her in any way also... i just think it's a warped logic.
and i don't really like her anyway...
she's never been nice to me since i was an innocent child of 4 years old...
so i am not turning up for this year's dinner =)
just gonna stay home with Grandma, dinner while watching tv and attend Church after that.
yes... i know. as a Catholic, i should be gracious. not to hold grudges against those who sinned against me. let love and peace fill the gaps between us.
well, i do not hate her or anything. i don't blame her either.
whenever i see her at Ah-mah's house, i still greet her.
but my point is this, i don't see why i should turn up for a dinner which makes me feel very uncomfortable. i am not obligated to do so. i'm nice enough to be cordial with her and that's all.
i'm feeling okay generally. just a bit tired. but will be okay after taking a day's of rest.
a new year is coming! in a week or so?
and yes.... results will be out tomorrow. that really sucks!
what a spoiler for Christmas and New Year! heck! not gonna check it anytime soon =P
so don't bug me about how did i do for this exams. lala~
what do i want for Christmas... hmmm... apart from Joshua getting well...
i don't really want any thing in particular for Christmas...
maybe the SAME wish i offer every year.
that...
1. i won't lose faith in God, pray without cease, attend Mass and continue to thrive in fellowship with my fellow Catholic brothers and sisters. may God bless me with strength (body and soul) and courage to do accomplish my mission.
2. my family will stick around together in understanding and patience. may the Holy Spirit fill our hearts with love and thanksgiving.
let God reward us as we due deserve and not let evil and harm come our away.
3. rejoice in the spirit of Advent everyday. remind us of the coming of Christ.
if u are really asking about that thing i want for Christmas and/or birthday...
then it will be...
a driving license! time i should get my ass into the driving school and take lessons.
lemme say this: i wanna drive a hydrogen-fuel powered car! no fossil fuels thank you!
or maybe a trip to Perth! i miss eating fresh strawberries, ripened by the summer sun!
spend an afternoon at a sidewalk cafe at Fremantle market sipping coffee.
i'll be wearing my linen top... environmentally friendly material.
or a diving trip to Sipadan. i miss scuba diving, swimming beside the sea turtle, admiring colorful sea anemones and sea ferns and relaxing under the palm tress after a dive.
it's beautiful. that's all the more a good reason why we should stop mass-consumption and polluting our environment. plastic are a hazard to sea turtle, fishing nets trap dolphins.
and all these industrial gaseous and liquid effluents are greenhouse in nature, the every 0.1deg celsius increment in temperature kills the reproduction of corals...
i have enough of clothes... (favourite color to wear is black).
i don't like fluffy toys. (they collect dust!)
i have a pretty good mountain bike but yet to wash and pump air into tyres.
(that's my 10 year old prsent k!)
i have wonderful close friends to love and be loved.
i have a queen-sized bed and my room is quite comfy. nothing's falling apart (as yet).
seriously...
i just want to spend time with my family. go on a trip together or stay at home together for a week.
my both parents are overseas. i only see my Mum once a year, i see my Dad once on 4-5mths...
i miss my parents being around. i miss my dog which passed away in 1999.
he's such a sweet darling. he's very affectionate, understanding and loyal.
Merry Christmas my dear friends!
May Our Lord watch over you, blessing your days with love, peace and joy!
72 and rising
went to visit Joshua jus now. he is still warded under ICU observations.
he's still weak, have no appetite and aching all over.
he says that fried vegetables tastes like cardboard and MILO with milk taste like Ovaltine.
he's also feeling cold despite 2 layers of blanket and thick socks.
every slight movement makes him feel nauseous.
today's bloodcount is 72. yesterday was 71.
his bloodcount have to reach 150 before he can be discharged.
i wonder how long more it will take him.
it's definite that he will recover, but it's just the matter of time.
i want him to be home for Christmas... that's the best present i can have.
i am glad that whenever he sees me, his pain sublimes...
he pats my head while i rest on his chest. he tells silly jokes about the nurses.
i think it is important to have friends and loved ones beside him. he cheers up seeing people.
he smiles despite the IV drip tube stuck into his arm. good, at least he is optimistic.
he told me that he miss his childhood friend who committed suicide 5mths earlier.
he dreamt that his friend came to visit him, and encouraged him to get well soon.
i think the fever's got into him, he's thinking of alot of 'funny' things...
i told him that once he gets well and fully recovered, i will bring him out to eat all the good food he miss. and i'll allow him to enjoy his Coke. we should also go on a short trip together... anywhere will do. as long as i am travelling with him.
i really miss him. i miss Joshua alot.
i miss his silly jokes and childish antics.
i miss him calling me "kitty" and popping up up my house ever so often.
i miss walking hand in hand with him to 85 market for dinner.
i miss watching tv with him in bed, curling up in his arms.
i miss seeing him tie his shoelaces.
i miss him calling my mobile every now and then to disturb my inner peace.
i miss going to TM to pay bills with him.
these are the daily things that we no longer do together ever since he was ill last Sat.
i miss his presence and the daily stuff we do together.
he's already this integrated part of my life...
to do without him... it feels weird! something is missing...
i even miss picking a tiff with him over trivial matters!
all in all, i can only say that, despite all the bitching i do about him... harping about other guys in my blog... being unhappy with him at times... pissed with his lack of ambition and drive... i do love him very much. he is the one who can cheer me up and perk up my day... he is also the one who can upset me with the things he do. why? coz i care alot about him and i only want the best for him.
one word of reminder:
when someone is around, cherish them. i regret alwiz picking tiffs with Joshua... blaming him for everything bad that happens, throwing temper at him for the slightest pissed-about matter when it's not his fault that it happened... alwiz took him for granted.
now that he's hospitalized... i realize how much i abused him and how much i needed him.
absence really makes the heart fonder, but i'll rather he not left my side.
this Dengue episode made me think hard about our relationship and where it's heading.
Joshua is very important to me...
thus, don't wait till it's too late to let someone know that you love them.
before you know it, they might be gone...
N.A
hi people,
joshua is in hospital now. SGH Block 4 Ward 45, Room 11 bed 2. (that's for those who are going to see him). he was jus warded tonite. low blood count, spots on his face, feeling all giddy and weak. he's down with dengue fever. he brought his mobile with him too, so can call him anytime.
i just want him to come home soon for Christmas. waiting for him to cut the Pannetonne.
Pannetonne is an italian light fruit cake eaten during breakfast during Christmas, lightly toasted with butter. indeed a sweet treat.
so i won't be around these few days. please sms or call my mobile if anything. thanks =)
me? i hurt my left ear, can't really hear properly... kinda muffled. gonna see ear specialist tmrw.
i just want to hear properly again.
Dear Lord, please hear my prayer. bless Joshua with a speedy recovery, that he'll be well and strong again. bless me to have ears that hear the cries of the oppressed, eyes that see the truth and a mouth that speaks no evil. Amen.
looking back 2004
it's the time of the year again. it's a week more to Christmas.
soon it'll be the new year 2005. it's amazing how time flies, isn't it?
in retrospect, it's been a highly eventful year.
for the better or worse, things happened because they did.
life goes on. certain things stayed the same, certain things got better.
all in all, though it wasn't a good year, i should not focus on the unhappy events.
i've certainly matured and grown stronger. definitely a little wiser.
every fall only makes a person stronger. it's survival.
hopefully, i am less gullible and naive. trust less easily and take everything with a pinch of salt.
(curse the bastard a life of misery, days of pain)
i'm very glad that my family have always supported me in times of crisis.
most importantly, my parents and Grandma. thanks for always loving and providing for me.
whatever happens in life, we only have our family to fall back on.
they are the only people who love you (and your idiosyncracies) for who your are,
they are the only people who will take you back.
so let them know you love them lots.
Daddy, Mummy, Grandma, i love you all lots. you're very important to me!
thankfully, my relationship with my family improved throughout the year...
i'm very blessed to have close friends who have stood by my side,
when i was going through my darkest period early this year.
without this supportive network, i'll have not risen from my fall.
i'll probably have suffered from depression...
Michele, you've been the best friend i can have. thanks for being by my side, cheering me on.
your companionship gave me strength and confidence to move on.
Gabriel, thanks for all the encouragement. thanks for bringing me back to church.
Jared, the happiness you radiate is infectious. you've brought light and hope into my life.
thanks for talking senses into me whenever i get overly wilful and stubborn.
Huiling, thanks for always having a warm word to cheer me up in school.
your companionship has proved to help me heal. same for Dennis, Benson and Vance!
many thanks to many other close friends and classmates. too many to name. cheers people!
Don, it's been 2 years and you still nag at me... yes... all for my own good.
but maybe you should start treating me like a grown-up! Don, you're the best mentor!
a few good things have happened this year too. and these are what i'm gonna focus on!
i enjoyed my working trip to China, i've enjoyed my trips to Bangkok, Bintan and KL.
these trips helped me made the right choice.... that is choosing to be with Joshua.
the 1 month trip to China made us realize how much we liked each other...
every sms he sent made me smile, i couldn't sleep without calling him at night.
we planned for our Bangkok trip while being apart... the anticipation of seeing Joshua again keeps me going on.
but the funny part was... we were not yet a couple during our trips!
we were just chill out mates...!
i met Joshua over Friendster. we msg for awhile, then msn, then one day decided to meet for movie. i didn't have a too good impression of him initially. coz he doesn't live very far from me, so he calls me out for dinner or coffee at S11 and bitch about girls i don't know!
i was quite irritated with him in fact... but one day, something happened in the car.
and i got electrocuted by his cute eyes... urgh... so all i could think of was him thenafter.
so as the story goes, we finally ended up together after Vance blurted out "so what are you waiting for?"
the days that came after school reopened wasn't good.
i got stressed up by my studies, i also have some family problems.
and Joshua was trying to get accustomed to school life again.
sometimes, he gets overly 'sticky' and sometimes, i am very short-fused.
our days were marked by tantrums, snappy replies, arguments....
but days marked by hugs, encouragements, companionship, understanding and love between far exceeded the days we were unhappy.
i can't do without Joshua. sleeping beside him is a joy. kissing him is a delight in itself.
he is the best event that happened!
for this Christmas, i don't want anything... i just want Joshua to get well. i am praying for a speedy recovery. he's down with a high fever and severe body ache since last night. he looks pale and yellowish. yet, i can do nothing to make him feel better! seeing him in this state, my heart feels very painful... i'm very worried that it's Dengue fever...
Lord, hear my prayers. bless Joshua with a speedy recovery and not suffer in pain. Amen.
Baci
indulging in sin now. having my 3rd piece of dark chocolate praline. yay!
c'mon, i live alone and there's no one else to stop me munching from them. Grandma excluded.
there's 3 left in the packet... enough for now. too much of sweet stuff puts me off...
Michele! u better claim your christmas prezzie soon before it vanishes into thin air!
what's it with chocolates and me?
i don't know... but i do remember that dark chocolates do contain a certain type of chemical that makes people feel happy. therefore, indulge in the death by chocolates. and cocoa compounds are regarded as aphrodisiacs by the ancient Inca civilizations... grind them into a paste with cinnomon and various spices, mix with hot water... and drink.
heh. love? i am loved all the time! i have a loving family, a loving boyfriend, and God!
going to church at 6pm later this evening, all the more a good reason to cheer up.
hmm... was reading my friend's blog just now. yepz, Xiao Jia's. ex AJC councillor.
she's a cool dancer yeah!
she was blogging about the pros and cons of being in a relationship.
being in one now... it made me think quite a bit.
on one hand, i've lost the absolute freedom to do anything i want and how i want it to be done; i face more pressures at home and in my studies; there's more burden and responsibilities meaning i cannot flirt anymore and neither can i club too often; there's increasing emotional stress; and i am held accountable to someone.
on the other hand, i know i am well loved, well taken care of and i have all of the attention of one man. i can count on him to watch movie with me; slack around with; drag out for dinner with; demand a hug as and when i want to be hugged; to cheer me up when i am down and depressed.
either way, the grass is greener on the other side.
my question here is, since his love and goodness cannot be taken for granted,
why should i put in as much as i am giving? considering the fact that, the only one person i trust best is myself.
if being single means that i get to enjoy a whole lot more freedom, feel no guilt to flirt with any guy and party, pursue my career wholeheartedly, and need not answer to ANYONE quite literally... would that be a whole lot better deal? as compared to loving him, trusting him, incorporating him into my life... only to realize that he is not an absolute advantage. meaning that his love and devotion is not absolute since we cannot predict future changes and developments?
see? this is what i mean when i say the grass is greener on the other side.
i start questioning myself. but one thing is quite certain, i am on this end of the pasture now, i'm gonna stick around here for quite a while.
this is a quote i borrowed from Xiao Jia's blog. she got them from Donald and i got them from her.
Donald, Thanks for the quote!
"If two past lovers still remain friends, they are are either still in love or they never were".
looking at the word Love in the later half of the sentence, i start to wonder...
is this Love the romantic love or the friendship love? what is Love?
is there even Love to start off with? or was it Lust?
either way, we won't ever know if we never loved the person or we do we still do love that past lover.
coz, if they both loved each other, then they won't have broken up unless absolutely neccessary. however, being together doesn't mean there was love too... it might have very well been a case of two lonely people in need of a good companion (i've seen this case too many a times.)
and after they broke up, it doesn't mean they are in love per se, but they still love the person as a companion, as a friend... but realistically speaking, they know that they cannot end up together for good. but maybe, like i've said, they were never in love.
how do you know whether you are in love or not anyway? there's no lab test for it...
and if the saying is true, then it is much easier to turn friendship into love, than love into friendship. right?
this i have quite a definite stand. it is easier to turn friendship into love, than love into friendship.
BUT, when friends become a couple and then they break up, chances are... they won't stay friends anymore.
when a couple gets together without having being friends, chances are when they break up, they won't stay friends either.
conclusion: since all these were caused by human, each cause and outcome was controlled by human factor. since human factors were and stilol are the most unpredictable factors... then... the causes and outcomes cannot be predicted. therefore, relationships are meant to be like television advertisments, to entertain us but not to muddle up our lives, distracting us from our 'main focus'. but anyway, how can i make such discouraging statements since i am in a relationship myself? my bottomline is, i've not given up this relationship, i am happy how things are running, trying to improve things in here. but whatever it is, i will not seek to bend things according to my interest. let God take the driver's seat.
like Michele said "Hedonism is such a draw. enjoy, why bother about why, and how, and what, if all they do is lessen your pleasure?"
i am not a person who likes to think particularly too much... having fallen in love and falling apart too many times too often... i had enough of relationships and its excess baggage to bog my life down. thus, i tend to be rather careless and carefree these days. hardly am i caught in a dilema due to the lack of choices or the excess of it. coz i tend to focus on decisions which are crucial for me to make, everything else is not important. gone are the confusing days where my mind's a spinning ball of yarn, and i walk around with a knotted stomach.
having seen life change so much around me especially in my family. the last 4 years were our hardest times. i've learnt that sitting back and talking is easy. talk is cheap. but getting one's ass up and putting plans into actions is difficult. there'll be days of sweet gains and days of downfalls... whatever life throws at you, catch it.
Fear drives me to go on. i can't stand people who are afraid to take risk and settle on a cushy life.
with risks comes rewards, with rewards come risk. choose the way you wnat your life to be.
life in xanga
Joshua jus updated his blog. i really enjoy reading his witty comments. so lame! haha!
nway, he was comparing life to Xanga.
the Xanga blog function doesn't allow back-dating.
so if you miss the flight, you miss the flight.
the same goes for life... once times passes you, it never comes back.
events happen, people came and left, hearts broken and healed...
nothing can ever be back-dated.
pun intended i felt... he lives in Xanga. i live in Blogspot.
i tend to backdate my blogs, delete entries in dislike, edit entries i think are good.
maybe... the way we blog, which system we choose to adopt tells something about our characters.
the design we apply to our blog, reflects our personality...
anyway... it's a fucking boring day... and a fucking boring night. where are my Velvet khakis? man! they don't call me up anymore! (i kinda know that they're down at Velvet, my intuition tells me that) but i ain't going down alone on a friday nite!
cough cough
yepz, i am down with a bad cough.
went to see the doctor, took cough syrup (read: disgusting medicine) which leaves my throat really dry and leaves my being drowsy. but i am getting better, thanks Mother Mary for healing me!
grandma doesn't allow me to go out since i am sick.
what's the worse part?
the sun is shining brightly out there!!!!
i can only admire the clear blue skies, and feel the evening breeze upon my face, standing by my window!!! watch the roller-bladers whiz by to the nearby park, see owners taking their pets out for a walk... people having outdoor BBQs... ENVIOUS!!!
what is this?! God must be playing a trick on me... sigh...
when i am up and well, it's raining for eternity... singapore besieged by torrential storms.
when i am stuck at home, the sun shines warmly at the happy beach-goers.
tell me that it's Murphy's Law at work....
and staying at home is not good rest either!
my estate is undergoing a major upgrading project... so everyday there's non-stop heavy drilling, sawing, pounding and other concomitant loud noises that disrupts the peace and serenity.
i am getting a bad headache from all these noise pollution....
doesn't help when my Grandma yells into the microphone and sings horribly at night.... for 2-3hours straight.... yeh... old folks get their entertainment at the expense of my sanity...
i just want to move somewhere high up in the green mountains. somewhere quiet.
the only sound i wanna hear is the sound of soft snow falling on the ground.
and the songs of the pine trees swaying in the artic winds.
temptations
i've alwiz had this impression that temptations are a sin of the mind.
who hasn't encountered temptations? even the holiest of saints, even Jesus Christ himself has been tempted.
temptations are the works of the devil, all around us.
i run into them each time i club... the intoxication of alcohol, the beautiful people, the flirtatious look in everyone's eyes.... other temptations? shopping and buying stuff i don't need... etc.
but temptations is deemed a sin only when you act upon it.
when the temptations becomes an action or behaviour, then it becomes a sin. (i think.)
best way to avoid temptations? don't head towards temptations i.e. when you know where temptations are, lessen your interaction with them. when you meet one, divert thoughts and attention onto something else.
happy partying but keep your senses clear!
differences
i remember i said this once "Jared makes me happy; Joshua makes me feel loved".
Joshua was very upset about this statement coz it makes it seem like i have 2 different boyfriend whom i can count on. yet, none of them is omnipotent. thus, i am with Joshua coz though Jared makes me happy, but doesn't love me. but Joshua loves me lots but doesn't make me happy.
well... i do not agree with his understanding. i feel that it's too shallow.
to me, Happiness depends on external circumstances, but Joy is based on my relationship with God.
Happiness is derived from my surroundings: the lovely people i am with, the 'high' atmosphere, the scenic place i am at... Happiness is a temporal relief to life's harsh realities.
but Joy is when i am communicating with God. Joy can be experienced even in the midst of sorrows, when you know that God will never let you handle more than you can bear. more importantly, God will never leave us on our own.
back to the Jared-Joshua thingy, as much as Joshua is VERY touchy about Jared... and this IS my blog (so it renders me the right to write whatever i want without diplomacy)... i think i have fully explained what does 'happiness' means to me.
given a choice between happiness and joy, i will want to live a joyful life, quenching my thirst by drawing on God's fountain of love.
Matthew 7:7
this is one verse i want to share with all my friends...
"Ask, and it will be given to you.
Search, and you will find it.
Knock, and the door will be opened to you."
--- Matthew 7:7
add Sg
went out to have lunch with Eunice today.
she's quite right in her observations.
singapore tv doesn't show anything much every 15mins except...
Mac Donalds:
yes.. the new grilled chicken turnover. mayonaisse covered chicken fillet...
i wonder if the chicken they use are safe and free of diseases... avian flu.
and mayonaisse is very unhealthy. if Mac ever sells anything, it's pure junk!
SK II ads:
"miracle water" and Pitera formula.... we never knew yeast could keep our complexion young? no?
then why not just mix yeast powder with egg, yogurt, honey and wheat bran. make it into a facial mask and solve the whole problem?! SK II complete set cost $600+ and only last for 3 mths...
Slimming pills ads:
take fast foods, oily foods and meats away from your diet. stay away from rich carbohydrates.
eat fresh crisp salads without dressing, grains and legumes, plenty of fruits and drink plenty of plain water. one glass of wine a day is fine. no sweetened foods or drinks.
then, slimming companies would be out of business. exercise lots! burn up the calories!
bust enhancement ads:
do men really like big boobs? they remind me of stuffed melons in a woman's chest...!
anyway, i still think that though it's nice to have ample perky boobs, cherish whatever you're naturally endowed with. breast cancer can take whatever big boobs away.
siamese supper
if Christmas stands for love, joy, warmth and laughter, it all happened last nite.
had dinner at Ding Tai Feng Paragon with Benny and his accounts service colleagues at 8pm.
very hot steamy satisfying dumplings with prawn and meat fillings. a whole basket of it!
and braised beef noodles in very rich soup! so good!
a meal to die for.... but not cheap. 4 of them spent $68 altogether...
me? i didn't eat anything. had a sandwich before coming out. so kinda full still.
before dinner, i went to AX upstairs. wanted to get some clothes n gifts.
was looking at a white linen long sleeve shirt....
i guessed Jared would love it and i was quite right.. =)
Jared: are you at Orch? i wanna go AX. i wanna get a top but i'm scared they'll be closed by time i walk there".
see??? i knew it!!! his taste and mine ain't that different.
we can pick different items but we tend to patronize the same shop.
he wanted this winter season's long sleeve shirt with Mandarin collar --- $230 nett
*wide eyed stare*
but why am i not surprised.
Jared: should i buy it? it's $230.
Veen: well... since your Mum is paying for it, and if you really like it, then why not?
Jared: oh yah, i need to keep the reciept. my Mum alwiz think i mark up price and claim more from her. wtf...
Veen: *grins*
i am so envious!!! his Mum picks up his shopping tab. that's why he buys the most expensive stuff. my Dad picks up my shopping tab too but to buy a top that cost $230... i'll give it a real good thought... sometimes... not really worth the money...
Question: what happens when you put 2 difficult people together on an outing?
Answer: you don't get anywhere!!!
we wanted to go for a drink. he wanted Starbucks coffee. i wanted Bakerzin Camomile Tea. i gave in and we went down the escalator to Starbucks.
Jared: you don't have to give in to me.
Veen: we're already on the escalator down... *duh*
Jared: *laughs* ok ok... *smug smile*
haha! too bad that Starbucks was too crowded so i had it my way! went Bakerzin upstairs. but the thing was... Jared simply don't like that place. so we ended up at Coffee Club only to realize that they were closing in 10mins... such luck...
us being us, the 2 very hard-to-please people... stil insisted on having coffee and some food although it was already 9.30pm and everywhere was closing. he suggested Heeren Spinelli and we strolled all the way there... but it was damn crowded! not even a single seat available! sigh. so... finally decided on Marche since they close at 11.15pm.
after the first step into Marche, Jared complained "i don't like Marche food but i'm hungry" that's the last straw!!! "Jared, it's 10pm now... everywhere else is closed... " we spent our next 1.5hrs at Marche chatting over fruit juice, brownie and ice cream. talked about church, family, NS, future plans and our mutual friends... the usual. it feels good though. been a long while since we sat down for a good chat.
i kinda miss him.. the ex-boyfriend. the friend. the companion. the fellow Vogue worshipper.
nway, that punk has a new girlfriend (read: again), but he's complaining that the relationship is not exciting. (relationships were never exciting to him...) i'm just gonna see how long this one will last! oh please! girlfriends have very little priorities and privileges in his heart. he's busy clubbing, partying with his guy friends, shopping and sleeping... he enjoys singlehood and its concomitant freedom more than anything else. girlfriend? least importance. haha! but he's wonderfully sweet. so, it all makes up for his shortcomings =)
when we finally got out of Heeren, guess what? it was pouring so heavily that the rain was splashing onto the inner pavements! the cab stand was a distance away, there was no way we were getting out of the Heeren premise! and there's a damn long queue at the cab stand anyway! ended up loitering in HMV listening to Zouk Flava CD. then HMV closed so we continued hanging around... ended up taking a walk to the Mosque at Seiko building, passing the sleazy Beijing 2008 nightclub. yah... many pretty China babes and Singaporean mamasans loitering outside. all the lao-chios! a sight to behold! minus the lecherous lao-ah-peks! walking past the mosque entrances, they put up laminated Muslim prophecies... quite intersting to read. eg: horses will not be used in wars; Isreal will regain her independence and suffer hostility from her nighbouring nations; there will be more females than males, there will come a day when 1 man has to serve 50 women...
Jared was rushing for time to meet his friends, i was pressed for time to meet Michele. but we can't do anything! damn it! the Singaporean weather never fails to annoy the hell out of me...
fortunately, a family saw us stranded and decided to give us their umbrella which they no longer need. thank God for such kind people. yay! we can now move off! the rain kinda got smaller anyway so it was rather manageable.
he insisted onwalking me to Lucky Plaza coz Michele was waiting for me at the cab stand there. i suddenly gushed "that's so sweet..." i meant, he's rushing off to meet his friends coz they're going to a party, really there's no need to walk me to Lucky Plaza... nonetheless, he carried the umbrella and sheltered me over.
as we strolled in the rain... the pretty Christmas decorations and boulevards of fairy lightings shimmering against the backdrop of rain... the hoards of people... the congested traffic... the festive atmosphere fills the air. as i held on to his arm, realizing that his biceps have indeed grown stronger in mass, i started giggling.
Veen: hey, isn't it ironic? this is so funny. *laughs*
Jared: what is funny? *shy smile*
Veen: we never did anything romantic when we were together. now that we're apart, for the first time we're strolling down Orchard under the same umbrella... it's the first time i'm stuck in the rain with you. hilarious. *laughs*
Jared: u call this romantic?!?! are you kidding me? *looks at the rain and his soggy feet*
Veen: i thought that people had this notion that walking in the rain hand in hand is romantic? sharing the same umbrella etc. but no, i now beg to differ, especially when my pretty heels are gonna disintegrate from the walking in the rain. *pouts lips*
Jared: *laughs*
we parted at Lucky Plaza. each pending an exciting nite ahead.
i joined Michele at the cab stand with Benny. behind us was this Italian old man with a ponytail. he's called Raffeal aka the corny italian from Sicily. he tried chatting all 3 of us up, lamenting that he's a lonely tourist in Singapore. and he asked whether we watched THE GODFATHER, coz his Dad starred in it. *how corny is that?* he asked Michele about her violin lessons, me about my Asian history and Benny about drinking wines. well, we could tell that he was trying to kill time and not feel so bored. after all, we've been waiting at the cab stand for the past one hour... *where are the cabs when u need them?*
we finally boarded the cab after what seemed eternity and headed for Siam supper club. Alan (SPH Advertising Specialist), Lily (aka Miss Korean-lookalike), Jay (the old Uncle who does event organization) and Martin (engineering) were already there. Alan was trying to impress Lily, Jay was chatting with Benny, Martin was trying to entertain Michele with his full-of-shit tales. me? happily drinking, smoking and watching people dance on the bloody small platform.
one thing about Alan is that. he's 30 and he's still cannot control his drinking. he still ends up drunk and pukes all over. and yes, he does the silliest of things, darn entertaining. Benny was wearing a full black top, so Lily folded a white serviette and tucked it between his collar. bloody hell looks like a guilty priest! Martin was bull-shitting to Michele in Mandarin, i don't know if Miss Jia-Kantang understood but heck, she was enjoying herself. heh. one thing about Siam Supper Club is that... there are no cute guys! the men are above27 at least, same for the sad spinsters hanging around... oh what a nite!~
on my way back, Jared was still at his friend's party.
Veen: i'm feeling kinda high. wheee~~ but not doing anything silly.
Jared: you're alwiz high, what's new? *laughs*
Veen: hey, i don't think so. everytime when we club, i am still bloody sober. *insulted*
Jared: right.... *laughs*
only managed to reach home at 2.30am... shagged. didn't sleep well coz i was hungry and yet bloated by the E33 and 3 glasses of wine... tell me what wine and cider doesn't go. i'll be glad if i had a diarrhea but no... it didn't come... slept only for 4 hours? woke up to go breakfast with Michele. hee.
all in all, i had a very good time. thank you for everything. cheers people!
and nway, Joshua doesn't mind me kissing or holding Jared's hand. of course not the erotic french kissing... if the goodbye kiss on lips, it's fine. i am so glad that i have an understanding and open-minded boyfriend! i can't stand those possessive, close-minded conservative freaks.
i think i am a very fortunate girl. i have a sweet guy who loves me lots. and i have a hip guy who makes me happy. best of both worlds. wow! sigh. Joshua went to Zouk with his frens tonite, i can't go out coz been clubbing till late for past 3 days. clubbing with your other half is a taboo! *excuse so as to flirt with other people* Jared? don't know where is he lah.... never pick up my call, sms never reply... probably his gf breathing down his neck. haha! wait, what if she's jealous of me and forbids him for going out with me nex time? eh... if he concedes to her unreasonable request, i'm gonna brand him a god-damned Pussy! and to hell with her!
